A few weeks ago, while reading the book of Joshua, my 3rd-grade daughter was shocked to learn that Rahab was “a harlot” (Josh 2:1, NASB). What scandalized her was not so much Rahab’s profession, but rather the fact that this had been hidden from her thus far. “They didn’t tell us this in Sunday school! I’ve been lied to!”
This led to a good conversation, and one of the things we talked about was the challenge of knowing how much to say about a given passage depending on time, place, and the needs of the audience. For example, children’s Sunday school might not be the best place to explain the “world’s oldest profession” – we’ll let parents tackle that one!
It turns out this applies to more than just Sunday School lessons. This week’s passage is a good example. Hebrews 13:4-8 touches on massive subjects. There are many more good things to say about the Bible’s teaching on marriage, sex, and money than there is time for on any given Sunday.
This Afterthoughts space is one way we attempt to mitigate that challenge. After hearing some feedback and talking with Pastor Ben, it seemed good to comment on at least two subjects.
Marriage is important – but what about singles?
The focus of Hebrews 13:4 is the importance of marriage. The author does not say that every person in the congregation must be married, but he does say that “marriage is to be held in honor among all.” While the Bible does speak to the unmarried in other places, that’s not the focus of this passage.
It’s understandable, though, for those who are unmarried to feel a bit unseen when we go over a passage like this, especially if they haven’t been here for long enough to hear us speak to that issue directly.
So, are single people able to serve the church? Are they able to glorify God? Are they valued members of our church? Yes, yes, and amen! If God has led you to a state of singleness, whether temporary or permanent, then He has a plan for you in that state. He has work for you to do. He has not forgotten you, and he does not value you less. In fact, there are things you can do as a single person for God’s kingdom and our church that are much more difficult for those who are married (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)!
God has chosen some to remain single – Paul discusses this in 1 Corinthians 7, and it’s where we get the idea of a “gift of celibacy.” How do you know if you have the gift of celibacy? It will feel like a gift! God gives his children good gifts, and if he has called you to a life of singleness then he will also provide contentment, satisfaction, and joy in that state.
But for most, and especially for the young, marriage is very likely God’s will for you. For those who desire marriage, singleness is not a gift – it is an affliction and a burden (and that might feel like an understatement!). But it is one that God has allowed into your life for your good (Romans 8:28-29), an opportunity to learn to trust Him and wait upon His timing.
In either case, the importance of holding marriage in high regard does not imply that you are a “second class citizen” of the church – you are valued and needed!
Intimacy is important – but what if there are problems?
Hebrews 13:4b says, “…the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” There is an implied exhortation here that Pastor Ben drew out – sex within marriage is not only good, it’s a commanded act of worship!
But it’s important to note that intimacy within marriage is not always worshipful. Like any other area of our lives, it is possible (and tragically common) for sin to creep in and corrupt this blessing. Hebrews 13:4 highlights fornication (any sex outside of marriage) and adultery (breaking of marital vows), but those are not the only ways the marriage bed could be defiled. Selfishness, pride, violence, pornography, using sex as a weapon or bargaining chip, unbiblically withholding sex, unbiblically demanding sex, intimacy for the benefit of one spouse at the expense of the other…the list could go on.
Marital intimacy is designed to be a concentrated expression of God’s own character – after all, we are image bearers of our creator, and marriage is an image of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:31-33). That act should be where we most display love, selflessness, purity, holiness, and genuine Christlike unity. The standards for how we treat one another in the marriage bed should be higher than anywhere else.
In a church of our size, it is all but certain that there are many couples for whom that is not currently true. One or both spouses has a warped view of what sex is supposed to be, or has allowed sinful patterns to encroach into that territory. Or maybe it’s not directly related to sin, but it’s just difficult – you and your spouse aren’t on the same page for any number of reasons.
If that is you, we encourage you to reach out to someone and talk through the issue – someone in your life group, or in our counseling ministry. That can feel awkward and embarrassing, but sex is part of God’s creation, and while it is something we are called to treat with respect and discretion, nowhere are we told to try to figure out sexual brokenness all on our own.
God’s plan for his children is Christlikeness – that’s a plan we are to pursue both while single and while married, and there’s no part of our lives that should be left unchanged by our pursuit of Christ. If you need support or guidance with either of these issues (or with anything else!), reach out to a faithful brother or sister in Christ, to your life group leader, or to our counseling ministry.