If Jesus prayed for unity among all His followers, why do we sometimes have disunity? To be sure, all of us have had either a severely damaged or broken relationship with another Christian. Does that mean Jesus’ prayer was unanswered?

In John 17, Jesus prayed that all who would believe in Him would be one in unity. This prayer is answered in that all believers are united in one Body of Christ when we trust Christ as Savior. We are one spiritually in Him, and nothing can change that. But we are not always unified in practice. There are sometimes large divisions in denominations and local churches. Still, more often, there are small divisions between one Christian and another. It’s the little ones that affect us most. These are the divisions that hurt.

These “little” instances of disunity are broken relationships that believers have with one another when they disagree or have an argument. In these cases, the conflict is probably not over some important doctrine; these are usually over preferences and differences of opinion.

If you’re are at odds with another Christian, then you should do something about it. As the Apostle Paul said, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Rom 12:18). He said, “all men,” but this is critical for believers, for we are unified in Christ and are to preserve that unity: “Being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph 4:3). The precise requirement in Scripture is that we do all we can to resolve differences and “preserve the unity” that is ours in Christ. What are you to do if this is the case for you and you are divided from another Christian? And who’s responsibility is it to make the first move? It’s yours.

People often say that they have been wronged and therefore are waiting for the other person to come and apologize. You may have a long wait. Others know they have offended someone, but they are embarrassed; too much time has passed, or they just figure the other person is responsible for forgiving them.

Scripture clearly teaches that if you are the one who is wronged, or if you are the offender, it is your responsibility to seek restoration. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus said, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (emphasis added). But Jesus also said in Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (emphasis added).

So you see, whether we are the offender or the one offended, Jesus clearly puts the onus on us to seek to preserve the unity that is ours in Him.

Suppose you have an old conflict or a new one with another Christian. In either case, your responsibility is to do all you can to resolve it. It is hard, I know, but necessary because of our unity in Christ. How are we to do this?

Be faithful to the biblical process. We must do things God’s way. He has given us many biblical injunctions on how to resolve conflict. The method of the world will always be different. If you follow secular advice, you will always find a reason to justify your own sin and remain unreconciled to another. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are always to seek to follow His instructions and His example. We should do what is right in the eyes of God rather than what seems right in the eyes of the world.

Be Humble. When we are divided from another Christian, the problem is always sin. There may be a root sin, perhaps originating with the other party, but there are always ensuing sins. These sins are often related to anger (and all the accompanying sins of the tongue), gossip, shunning, bitterness, lack of forgiveness, etc.

And you can be sure that this will spread to others. We’ve heard that second-hand smoke can cause health problems to innocent family members. There can be second-hand unforgiveness as well. If one is bitter and angry, always complaining about the injustice done them, this will distort our view of the one spoken of. Just like second-hand smoke, second-hand unforgiveness can affect the unity of the family of God.

“Take the log out of your own eye.” Since sin is the issue, we must always start with ourselves. This is true even if we are the one who was first offended. Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt 7:3-5).

The best place to start when seeking reconciliation is, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me for (your sin here!)”

Be forgiving. If you are seeking forgiveness, you must also seek to forgive. In the Lord’s prayer, Jesus was very clear about the importance of forgiveness. He taught us to pray, saying, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt 6:12). We are to forgive as God has forgiven us.

In fact, He went on to say, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matt 6:14-15).

Note well that Jesus said this without qualification. He did not say to forgive if they recognize their wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness.

This brings us back to the Apostle Paul’s admonition, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Your forgiveness of another is only the first step towards reconciliation. To heal the disunity, it must start with you and start with your own sin. In God’s way, both parties are reconciled when they admit sin and grant forgiveness (and restitution, if necessary). But it takes two, and the other person may not respond.

No, not all divisions will be healed. But if we approach our disunity with the Prayer of Jesus in mind, we can defeat disunity. If we seek to follow His instructions, if we are humble and forgiving, then we have by far the best likelihood that unity will be achieved.