We recently attended a family reunion in Southeastern Idaho, where about 80 family members were present. There were at least 20 who could not make it. It is fantastic that all of these people are the children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren of my Mom and Dad. I have five sisters and two brothers, and these 80 people came from two people. 

Families grow. That’s how nearly 100 descendants came from my Mom and Dad. Like all families, churches grow as well. In fact, they are supposed to. We want to grow and reach more and more people with the gospel.

But also, like all families, there will be growing pains. Our family of 10 were raised in a four-bedroom, one-bathroom house. Can you imagine having only one bathroom for ten people? To make matters worse, the house was drafty and heated by a coal furnace with one vent, right in the middle of the house just outside the bathroom door. We called it "the heater." On cold, sub-zero mornings, we kids jostled for position around “the heater” waiting our turn to go to the bathroom.

Were there squabbles, differences, arguments? You bet. But we are family, and we just had to learn to live with our differences. The church is that way too. As we grow, there will be inconveniences, differences, and challenges to our family life.

What does it take to rise above these? Romans 12:10 says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.” Brotherly love is the love of family. It is kind-hearted; the mutual affection of brothers and sisters. Some translations render it “try to outdo one another in showing honor.” That’s because the word for “give preference” has the idea of going first to show the way of sacrificial love.

When we took turns on “the heater,” I had to learn that I could not always have my own way. Others were waiting. Others were cold too. They were my little sisters, my big brothers, and I should not put my desire above their needs.

The idea in Romans 12:10 is that in every instance we should seek to defer to others, to put their needs before our own, and to seek their good. Why? Because God commands it as the way family members are to love one another.

In our church family, there are many ways this plays out. We all come from different backgrounds, and that makes our differences more pronounced. We all have personal preferences, but we must remember that a preference is just that—the way I prefer a thing to be. I prefer my steak to be medium-rare, but that doesn't mean it is the only way to cook a steak. I prefer mornings to evenings, but that doesn't mean it is wrong for you to be a night owl. 

What are some preferences we see in the church? There are many such as music, the volume of music, room temperature, type of coffee, time of services, etc. None of these are addressed by Scripture, so they will always be matters of preference. We should never yield and compromise when it comes to biblical truth, but we should always be flexible and other-focused when it comes to preferences.

Where do preferences clash? Sometimes the fault lines run along age differences. Younger people are often idealistic and impatient for change. Older saints are often traditional and hold on to nostalgia. Idealism, change, tradition, and nostalgia are not wrong in themselves, but when we insist on our way, conflict ensues. But what is the flip side of those characteristics? The flip side for youth is that they have fresh ideas and energy. The flip side for age is wisdom and experience. 

Fresh ideas, energy, wisdom, and experience are all needed to make a church family strong. That’s why a church needs all the generations working together, giving preference to one another in honor, standing on the unalterable truth of God’s Word, to become a healthy family.

Was it easy for 10 people living in a small house with one bathroom and one heater? No, but that’s how families grow. Living through hard times is what teaches us to prefer one another. Difficulties draw us together because it creates history together. Every year we have a family reunion, or would it be better to say we have a family “union?”